Good Enough For Me

I didn't get in many winks last night. Woke up to the streets covered in rain. Sneezed a bunch this morning. My youngest stepdaughter has been coughing for weeks. Ran / did spin / practiced yoga a bunch more in the past 9 days than I had in the 8 weeks before. Came home from spin last night a hot, drippy mess. I feel exhausted.

Am I looking for a reason to just take it easy today? I am trying to decide if my spirit is weak if I skip today's run and have some hot soup for lunch, or if rest is what I really need instead. This is often the fine line that hurls me into indecision. I need to examine it more closely, but on days like these it is hard for me to discern my own motives.
 
What is today's better decision for taking care of my body? Is it better to take a rest from running (knowing that I will be teaching and then taking a yoga class tonight), especially in light of an upcoming busy few days of teaching and gigging? Or is it better, in the long vision, for me to lace up? Am I simply battling a weak will? Or will I be better prepared for Sunday's 9-10 mile training run if I rest today?

My fear of failure comes up in dreams. They've lessened in recent months, but every few weeks I still worry that my life will pass me by and I will not have accomplished anything. This worry of course assumes that I haven't accomplished anything yet. The past has a way of slipping away from me, and I forget to pat myself on the back for all that I have done, for the songs I have written, the places I have visited, the people I have learned from or taught, the ways I have loved. What is the accomplishment that will let me know that I have arrived? When will I be good enough for me?

I make my lists of plans and goals when I am at my most optimistic, but there are days when my energy lags. I was running 35 miles a week in October, but then had to rest for injury. Did I think I could jump right back in now? Was it even good for me to do it then? Forget about the training schedules out there in the world, what's the best way for *me* to prepare for Feb's half marathon? What's the best way for me to live my active life?

So here I go, taking stock, making sure that I "deserve" a rest day. Why do I think I must *do* anything but be happy and love fully? And now, having written them out, I have decided these questions are best pondered over a bowl of Thai tofu/vegetable soup.

No run today.