Chasing

Effortless runs are not the runs I recall most clearly. The ones I remember best are those where I had some obstacle to overcome, sludging through miles during the weeks-long triple digit heat wave the month before my first half marathon, with only meditative counting and the inspiration of Cheryl Strayed's Wild to keep me going. Like the second time I went out for an11-miler, and bonked out so completely I could barely walk the last two miles. Like the first time I shared the road with two coyotes, before I learned that they would not bother me, my heart pounding and my cell phone coverage completely gone.

I don't recall those runs where my muscles carried my weight like a parent tossing a child in the air; where my mind was focused on my latest essay topic, working out the metaphors, turning over phrases; where my breath was steady and even like a song; where my spirit knew that I could do anything I set my mind to. What I remember, though, is the feeling after. The ease of mind. The full appreciation for my body. The profound peace in my heart. The elation that lasted for days.

I am chasing that feeling. There's a bit of it right now, as I sit here eating oranges after today's 5-miles, but it's just a bit. There was a bit of it Sunday too, after a glorious 8 miles, followed by my first full yoga class since Christmas, and then a sweet afternoon with my boyfriend. I am getting tastes of that feeling, but I have not gotten the full dose yet. I am still chasing.

This morning I looked back on my training sketch and was surprised to see that today is only January 8. I'd already forgotten how recently 2013 began. How quickly I lose my patience with my progress! Just last Tuesday I was sitting at a friend's dining room table, sketching out my training plan for the half marathon on February 17, while a pile of kids watched a movie and spilled popcorn in the living room. It's only a week later - of course I haven't hit my sailing pace yet. Of course I am still up against my doubts. Of course I am still feeling pudgy from the holiday season and lower miles of the last two months. Of course.

So, today's run was okay. I pushed myself to go a little faster than the snail's pace I started out with. Sometimes I do this weird thing - am I the only runner who counts? I grew up practicing music to a metronome, and I've wondered if that's where it comes from. I count while I practice yoga as well, but that's more about my breath. Today, over and over again, I counted to 100. It helped me keep my pace even as I wanted to slow, and it kept my mind distracted from doubt.



TODAY'S RUN: 
Setting:
January 8, 2013.
Los Angeles, CA
Mid-afternoon
Temperature in the mid-70's (what???!)
Run:
5 miles
45:28
average pace: 9:03 per mile